sally.geek.nz

Category: Reflection

  • How I see it … Metal detecting?

    Do people see what they expect rather than what is in front of them?

    Since becoming a Guide Dog handler about three months ago, my weekends usually include a trip to the beach. In doing this, my safety and ensuring Sienna has time to be a dog in her downtime are both important.

    Guide Dog Sienna out of harness sitting on a rock at the beach.
    Photo of Guide Dog Sienna sitting on a rock at the beach.

    For this reason, I bought a different type of white cane tip to safely allow us to walk on the beach with Sienna on a Flexi lead instead of in her harness. The cane tip is called a Dakota disc and it attaches to the bottom of my cane, allowing me to feel objects on the beach instead of tripping on rocks and a smaller cane tip getting stuck in the Sand.

    The linked Youtube video gives an overview of this cane tip: https://youtube.com/watch?v=HYs73yu7NuY&feature=share and the photo below is of the Dakota disc on the end of my white cane, which has a red bottom section.

    Picture of the Dekota disc cane tip.
    Picture of the dekota disc on the end of my cane.

    Last week one child asked me if I had found anything with my metal detector at the beach. I dismissed this as they were around eight years old and perhaps had not even come across a white cane.

    To my surprise, walking along the beach today, I was stopped by four adults and asked if I had found anything with my metal detector. When I explained no, it was a white cane, they all said something along the lines of oh yes, of course, it is. One woman even said, but you are so confident?

    For the rest of my walk, I started to wonder whether it was the context that made them jump straight to the metal detector or even if they were unfamiliar with someone using a white cane. Granted, it could be either, but It seems that people had never seen a blind person at the beach walking their dog independently.

    I also thought about how most people react to my Guide Dog. Their question is usually “are you training her?” or “how much of her training does she have to go?”

    People are usually surprised to find out she is my guide dog and has finished her training. On the one hand, it fills me with joy that people don’t realise I am blind. However, further thought usually leads me to question what is wrong with people learning I am blind? It also reminds me of the social construct and negative stereotypes of blindness, disability and deficit model associated with these.

    So back to the metal detecting. I would love to try metal detecting and it is pretty rare to see. I question whether metal detectors or blind people are the rarest sight? Or is metal detecting just a more straightforward topic to broach than blindness?

    Either way, normalisation is necessary, along with social change.

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  • How I see it … there is not a concrete question, answer or solution

    I want to reflect on a couple of things in this post. Over the years, I have posted a lot about sight loss and reached a point where my vision was pretty stable at 10 degrees. Until it wasn’t, I would like to reflect on some of the experiences I have been unable to express in the hope that they will assist others on their journey.

    As a predominantly quantitative researcher and science geek, who thrives on neat, orderly processes and streamlining systems, I gravitate to the concrete, proving something is possible, and look for solutions. Over the years as a teacher, nurse, computer scientist, I have learned to work more and more in the grey areas, particularly with my patients and students. However, I never really stop trying to find solutions.

    This week the fact that science could no longer stop my sight from deteriorating sooner rather than later hit home yesterday. The hard-hitting moment started with a clinician’s comment about my Guide Dog, along the lines of you will need her even more now. With my clinician’s brain, I had somewhat guessed based on symptoms such as increased glare, seeing through what looks like dirty glasses continuously instead of the intermittently and the increase in variability of vision on a day to day basis made me think but not process what this meant.

    The most recent symptom was any sort of detailed work on the weekend made work on Monday more challenging. However, it wasn’t until there were differences in three tests over more than three months that I believed my clinical resining. The words from an expert, “there is nothing more I can do scientifically to stop this”, made this more concrete yesterday rather than abstract and distant.

    My frustration is that I have rarely found something I could not adapt to or find a solution for or be successful at or with. Modus operands have usually been to work harder, take more time, factor in transportation, and try and do better than those around me to compensate. Some examples include taking more time to complete tasks, embracing public transport, doing visual hobbies only in my holidays (e.g. painting), taking work home and finishing it there or spending over two years crocheting the blanket I planned to finish in one winter. Slowly I have been adapting all areas of my life subconsciously and until this month, this process has served me well. However, my brain isn’t filling the gaps as well as it used to and for that reason, if I overdo visual tasks, I am finding I need to stop, take a break and perhaps finish that task the next day. I have spent 11 years building a career and social life I love, yet to continue this, I need to account for visual fatigue in all I do, meaning giving up other things I value. It feels like robbing Peter to pay Paul.

    On an emotional level, this is challenging and fatiguing in itself. I wonder if it is time for the world around me to adapt more to my needs rather than my continual focus on trying to fit the mould of societal expectations around life and identity. I have long been a supporter of advocacy and rights around disability and over the last year, become more vocal. However, I have found it easier to apply this principle to others and have concluded that I need to shift that focus to myself.

    One of the catchphrases that floats around is to do things differently, which sounds easy when it rolls off the tongue, but change is not something that I and those around me find easy. One reflection in considering this is that things are challenging in the status quo and I recognise the need for change, but figuring out how to adapt what I do is something I can’t always do alone.

    On reflection, I have known my vision would deteriorate, but it had always been something that was in the future. I had anticipated things would stay how they are where I have some useful sight until after I retire, at least. I have made considerable roads into acceptance of disability and vision impairment up until now, to the point that I consider myself blind (I do meet the MSD criteria as totally blind).

    Until recently, those around me would have seen me as someone who couldn’t drive and stopped all of my extreme outdoor activities (diving, water-skiing, skiing and more), but other than using a cane, guide dog and large print and asking for an office away from windows, I just get things done.

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  • How I see it … scary and exciting all at once

    I have been keeping this relatively quiet, but now we are less than 24 hours away from reality, it is time to share.

    I wrote the below Facebook post on the 14th of March 2022 after being able to have a short walk with a guide dog. For those who use a screen reader, the quote below is what the photo of the post says:

    Today at lunch I got a short walk with a guide dog in harness (called Sienna). She is still in training but I got a taste of what it will be like. It made my day after a rather rough week and the fact that she curled up and went to sleep on my feet while we had a chat was awesome.

    I learned a couple of interesting things, just how much I use tactile feedback from my cane and how much I think I am a dog person in disguise after cuddles – don’t tell the cats.

    Now I keep waiting for matching – wish me luck it could be anything from 1-6 years!

    Darn it I should have taken a photo!

    The morning after this, I received a phone call asking if I would “take” Sienna. It took me a few repeats of the same question to twig that I had matched with her. The thing that surprised me the most was I had thought the visit of the instructor (GDMI) was in response to a phone call I made about a month prior due to a change in my vision (less visual field than when I went on the list) and the continual construction and moving fences at my work and not to match me with a dog.

    The GDMI who visited and I had been playing phone or appointment tag for a while and it didn’t even register when the GDMI said I am bringing a cadet instructor with me thwt this would mean bringing two dogs. In fact there was no mention of dogs at all, but in hindsight, instructors usually travel to appointments with a trainee guide dog in toe. The difference was that in the past, the dogs have stayed in the car. I was surprised that the cadet instructor also bought a dog and we were taking his trainee guide dog with us for a chat.

    It wasn’t until after receiving the phone call the following day that I thought it was strange that the cadet instructor had travelled to see me on the North Shore from South Auckland and had to travel back while the original GDMI worked on the North Shore stayed here.

    When I received the call I had been on the list for matching for about 18 months and expected to be on the list for some time more as the average was over three years the last time I had Investigated. Since the call I have been both excited but also scared. I reverted to thinking that because I do have some sight that I am not blind enough for a guide dog.

    I forgot to remember the many conversations I have had about the extent of my field loss (currently 10 degrees instead of the usual around 180 degrees). However, I also get told a lot that I don’t look or act blind – see my previous post about this. I didn’t realise that I had put more weight on societal views of not looking or acting blind than in discussions with professionals. After some thought, it sunk in that I needed mobility assistance more than I had first thought and perhaps this was because I usually don’t notice small incremental changes to my vision and what I have seems “normal” to me.

    I have been trying to figure out why I am so nervous and scared of getting a dog, along with the excitement. I think this is multifaceted.

    Getting around independtly is very important to me as my vision has deteriorated this has become more challenging and I had to relearn skills such as crossing a road again. I had been confident with using a white cane for some time and I guess that part of my fear is that I will be somewhat starting the journey of learning to get around independently again while having a sentient mobility aid/companion as opposed to a “stick”. For example, a guide dog can decrease some of the cognitive load associated with travelling with a cane by providing Obsticle avoidance rather than obstacle detection and sswitching from cane to a dog means I am losing the tactile feedback that a cane gives me. In other words it has taken some time for me to trust my cane and decision making now I need to keen to trust a dog.

    I have never lived with a dog and currently have two cats. One of them is very upset when another animal approaches his human and tends to chase them away and out of the house. Having a dog in my household will be very different, cats are fairly independant, while a dog is more dependant in many respects and learning a new personality, manageing a dog and learning a new mobility texhnique is a lot in a short time.

    I suppose, in a nutshell, I could say I am afraid of change yet I want the difference that working with a guide dog will bring and it is the stage in between these that is the scary part.

    I think I will finish this post here as I have a full day of work tomorrow and I need to welcome my new companion as well. I hope to continue to blog my journey through training and working with Sienna. However, I will need to check the appropriateness of blogging as a form of documenting our journey as Sienna is not owned by me nd there are contractual agreements I need to uphold while I am her guardian.

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